It has been a really long time since I last wrote.  My previous entry was about my nervousness at moving in with Chris.  Well, so far things are going really well.  I've been here for a little over four months now, and thing are going really smoothly.  I think part of it was that Chris was on nights for 3 months, so we weren't spending every free moment together.  Not only that, but NDK was in there as well and I was doing a lot with that and spending a lot of time on the phone or away from home.  Now that con's over and Chris is back on days is where the real test comes in, I think.  All of those sports going on, and Chris wants to watch them all - argh!  I went and got a Douglas County library card so hopefully I'll find some books to keep me occupied until spring...

I just wanted everyone to know that I'm still alive!

I expect to be moving within the next couple of months, so I'm already feeling the stress.  That whole "cleaning out the closet because I have too much crap" thing has changed into the "cleaning out the closets because I'm going to have to put everything in storage" thing.  Thursday Chris gave me a call since he hadn't gotten a chance to come over during the week, and we got on the topic of apartments.  Chris is moving out from the house he's sharing with a couple of friends.  He was talking about this apartment he's looking at, mentioning it's virtues.  It's in the middle of Parker, and it seems really nice.  He was urging me to find work in the Tech Center, because that way I wouldn't have that far to drive, which was a really strong hint to me that something was coming up.  Then he said, "That's if you want to move in with me, of course.  I'm not trying to twist your arm." OMG!!  I was this close to squealing like a total dork.  Of course I said yes!  I know we haven't been dating that long, but it just feels right to me.  Of course, this will really help to determine whether we work in the long term, because you really get to know a person when you're sharing living space with them.  If we can put up with each other's quirks, then I think we'll totally rock.  What are your opinions about moving in with someone?

On the plus side - I won't have to obsess over the whole email thing.  I'll be seeing him every day, so I won't have to email him at all!  Woo hoo!

I hate days like this.  The weather is gray and cold and the apartment is so quiet.  People always say this is good weather to snuggle up in, which is only true if you have someone to snuggle up with.  Being alone in the quiet just makes days like this that much worse.

To distract myself from the cold, I decided that I would start clearing out the closets.  I have things that have been in boxes ever since I moved into this apartment, which is almost five years ago.  So I figured it was a good time to start getting rid of some of that stuff, since I obviously haven't needed it.

I started with the books, as I have so many from my romance phase, which has been over for quite some time.  At first I was just going to toss them out, but a friend suggested that I take them to my local thrift store so that someone else could enjoy them.  That sounded like a good idea to me, so now I have them packed in some of the larger boxes.  Only problem is that I'll have to finish cleaning the closet to get to the dolly because there is no way that I'll be able to get them down to the car any other way.

Going through these boxes, I found stuff that I hadn't thought about in years; old drawings, old writing - horrible horrible writing, I can barely read any of it without laughing.  While sorting through all of the old report cards and letters from pen pals, I came across my mother's journal.  I stopped to read it, which upon reflection was a bad idea.  It pains me to know how badly my mother hurt through all of those years, how someone's thoughtless words could wound her so deeply.

It made me regret, because I can't remember anything of my early childhood when she was healthier.  I can only remember the later years when she was a tiny, fragile bird of a woman whose bones seemed so hollow that she hardly weighed anything.  I remember the illness, and I remember how angry I was in her last years.  I was so angry that I had to take care of her, that the family expected so much from me.  I'd always been taking care of her to some extent, and in the end although most of the time I felt love, I also felt the resentment and selfishness of not having a chance to experience life as a young woman.  I feel so much shame for how I felt then.

I remember the complete rage I felt after she died and I had no control in what was going to happen to her.  That these people - her family, yes, but apparently knowing nothing about her - were able to dictate all of the details of her funeral without ever asking me filled me with rage.  Her eulogy was delivered by a man she disliked, her final clothing was relegated to a house coat, her resting place was chosen because the family wouldn't have to pay for it!

I don't talk to my family anymore.  I think that my mother was the only thing bonding us together, and after she died I had no reason to maintain contact with people who were in essense strangers.  I have never been one to hold a grudge - or so I thought - but the complete lack of respect, the complete disregard for the one person who knew my mother's last wishes made these people my enemies.  I've only seen them a few times in the last twelve years, and they are just some people I know.

Maybe it's time for me to sleep and try and start this day all over again.  Maybe the next time I wake the sun will be shining and be able to clear away this darkness.  Until then all I'm capable of is dwelling on the past and how alone I feel right now.

Stolen from Katsu -

I'm not sure, but I think Chris and I declared ourselves in love.  Does it count if it's done in email?

I've been so leery about classifying how I feel as love, especially in light of my previous relationships.  How do you recognize it as love?  Does wanting to be with him every day mean that?  Wanting to go to bed with him every night, wake up to him every day, fight him for space on the bed?  Wanting to smother him when he snores and then falling asleep mid-rant anyway?  Wanting to meet his family, maybe even start one, even though by the time he's ready to have kids I'll be very nearly past childbearing age?

Sometimes I think I'm obsessed - but does that count as love?

I've been asking every person I know who's in a long term relationship.  They seem to think I'm in love - but I've been mistaken before and I hate to ruin things by looking too far ahead.  I think the best thing is to take it one day at a time and just be cautiously optimistic.

Sorry - I said I wasn't going to do a "love entry" again until I totally knew for sure,but everyone is tired of listening to me analyze things and I just wanted to try and get my thoughts straight.

I'm feeling giddy because Chris keeps surprising me.  This is the latest:


I'm afraid to wear it because the chain is so delicate, but I think I'm going to take that chance. 

Everyone keeps saying "he must love you!"  All I can say is I certainly hope he does.

This past week Chris invited me to go with him to Alaska in June.  His sister is moving out there, and he'll be bringing her kids out to her then.  I was excited that he asked me, and I said yes right away, but now I'm a little worried about meeting his family.  I know that it's months away, but I'd like to make a good impression on them, and I don't know how successful that will be during a week long trip.  Also, he and I have never spent more than two consecutive days together, so how do I know he'll be able to tolerate me for an entire week?

I just checked for this semester's grades, and I passed!  I wasn't too sure about either class - I took a vacation in October, and although I didn't actually go anywhere, I didn't make it to class either.  At Metro you're only allowed 3 absences, and every other absence drops your grade one letter grade.  And I had 7, so you can guess what my grades were going to look like...

In Drawing the teacher allowed me to turn in a couple of extra credit papers, and I was able to bring my grade up to a C, which is passing, and all I care about!  In Visual Thinking, it turns out that the teacher didn't even penalize for absences, so I made a B with no extra credit at all, which is just great, because I was convinced I was going to flunk that class, mainly because I had trouble with the concepts.  But the grades are acceptable, and I'm maintaining a B average, so it's all good. 

Now I just have to make sure that I don't take so many days off in the future.  I'm not saying that I won't miss any, but it won't be so excessive that I have to do anything extra to pass the class.

Woo hoo!

Ok, as I am really poor this Christmas, I was expecting to exchange holiday wishes only.  Especially with Chris - we've only been dating since September, so I figured according to dating etiquette that there would be no gift exchange this early in the relationship.  But he did in fact get me something for Chrismas:



OMG!!  He bought a tv for the bedroom!!  Ok, so it's more for him than for me - I usually smoke or eat while I'm watching tv, which I don't do in the bedroom, so I doubt if I'll be using it much.  It's more for when he's over, which, according to a straight guy, means that he's planning on spending an awful lot of time at my house.  Isn't that great?  I'm stunned by the gift, and feel I should reciprocate.  He says he doesn't want anything - and what do you get for a guy that has pretty much everything he wants?

Ari, I got your gifts yesterday too!  Thank you so much!!

Feel the holiday love!

Con is only 3 weeks away, and I'm not sure I'm really prepared for it.  I think I may be underestimating the amount of time it's going to take to get the room set up, what with having to add lighting.  I don't know how involved I'm expected to be with the programming stuff, and I really don't want to follow Becca around during the whole con.

According to Amanda, since I am area head, I get to sleep in on Saturday!  Woo hoo!  Of course, I have to ask Ari first, but I swear I'll have a good reason for sleeping in! ^_~